Final Fantasy XIII Abriged
by 100lightbulbs
Summary: Join female Cloud, chochobo guy, whiny teen, 2 Australians and Duke Nukem's brother in law to defeat the evil giant terminator
1. chapter 1

Disclaimer

the following is a fanfiction parody of FINAL FANTASY XIII. Please support the offical release.


	2. The Purge

Chapter 1

One time there's a soilder company thing.. "Oh screw it we don't have to explain the lore aren't we?" Said Square enix.

On the middle of the purge on a train. A soldier carrying a remote for the train's prisoner to escape crash that remote with his ass. Causing the prisoners to escape.

Suddenly a pink haired lady bought a gun and start shooting that fallen soldier. "Holy shit, lady! WTF do ya think ya doin?" Said a black guy stereotype. "A job what else. Also I'm trying to be bad ass." Said that lady.


	3. The Purge 2

More soldiers show up. "Time to fuck shits up." that lady pick up her gun-blade and omnislashed those poor soldiers that probably have a family to provide.

"Wow sick moves! Where did ya learn that?" Said the black guy getting of his chair. "I'm a FFVII fangirl. The name's Clou-.. I mean Lightning." She then jumps off the train with the black guy. The soldiers then sends a big scorpion robot. "Come on Barret, help me with this." Said Lightning unwittingly face to face with the robot. "Who's Barret? Fine I'll help ya out."

"So how do we play this game again?" Said him. "It's automaticly easy. Just press X. And what's your name?" Said Lighting while attacking on the robot. "Sazh." Said Sazh. "Whatever, I'll call you Barret." Said Lighting.

Boom! The robot was destroyed.

Meanwhile on the other side of the Hanging Edge...


	4. The amature heroes

A guy in a trench coat walks in to a bunch of refugies and some white haired kid. "Hey everybody!" Said him.

"Listlen to me!" He said again. "Why should we?" One of the refugies stood up. "Because I'm the hero." Said Mr. Hero.

"Fuck that! Fuck you! You're a prick, and I hate this shit!" Said the white haired kid. "Don't worry... I'm a mother fuckin hero." "No you're not. You're some retarded old man." Said him. "I like your adittude. Wanna be my sidekick? What's your name?" Said Mr. Hero. "The exact opposite of my personality and behaviour." Said hopeless kid.

"Oh, I know, Despair!" Said Mr. Hero. "No, you idiot! That's my personality!" Said hopeless kid. "Is your name Chocholate?" Said a random australian. "Who the hell said that?" "Me! The name's Vanilla Ice Cream:3."

Said Vanilla. "You guys are all son of a bitches." Said hopeless kid.

"Either way, who wants some guns?!?" Said Mr. Hero. "Why the hell would these people want guns?" Said hopeless kid. "Because it's awsome." Said Mr. Hero.


	5. Hope and Vanilla Ice Cream

"Now, let's fight PSICOM, who's with me?" Said Mr. Hero while raising his arms and shooting bullets from his gun. Clearly he's just waisting bullets. "The frick is PSICOM?!?" Said hopeless kid. "I'm gonna go fight." A random chick stood up and borrow one of the guns. "Mom, why do you want to fight? Hell, why do we need to fight, Mr. Blond Hero?!!" Yelled hopeless kid. "Because we're fucked. Hope, you should be like that blonde hero when you grow up." Hope's mom ran to the battlefield. "B-but mom, that guy's an idiot!" Said Hope standing up chasing his mom.

Suddenly a hand wad laid on his shouldier. "If you wanna find her, I'll help ya! :3" It was Vanilla Ice Cream. " _Oh shit, stranger danger!_ " He tought. "Sorry, but I got Link." Hope said. "I know you're lying." Said Vanilla. "No, I'm serious." Said Hope holding Link's hand (he's not gay). "And thank goodness I can talk here. Want this tri force?" Said Link. Later a bunch of PSICOM soldiers showed up and shoot Link. "Ok... Fine, you can come. But you need to respect my privacy. And try to be less annoying, cause I'm pretty sure that people hate you on the original FFXIII. Oops, 4th wall break." Said Hope.


	6. Lightning again

Meanwhile on Lightning's condition...

"So, what brought you here?" Said Sazh. They are on a cliff somewhere. "Hmph, to rescue my little sister Serah." Said Lightning walking towards the cliff. "Well, I came becau--" "Shhh! I know why you're here. You came to rescue your daughter Marlene, ain't it?" Said Lightning. "Well--" Sazh's trying to explain. "Aha, knew it! Marlene's kiddnaped by the turks I mean SANTCTUM right?" Said her again. Lightning snaps her fingers again making that grav-con works, then she jumps off the cliff.

Sazh follows her and jumps. And he died... Just kidding he's not. "You're pathethic, Barret." Lightning walks off. "Wait, I thought you left." Said Sazh. "You thoughted wrong." Said Lightning. " _I'm damn sick, of this bullshit._ " Sazh walks off along side Lightning. His chochobo can't stop yelling 'Kweh!' along his journey. Good thing Sazh could speak chochobo so here's the translation : "Gimme some booze... And a cigarette."


	7. Q and A :3

I wanted to start this chapter so that you know about the "current cast" so Fang is not there... yet.

I'm gonna be the one asking the questions but when you guys wanted to ask them, be sure to comment!

We're gonna be starting at the main bitch, Lightning.

NOTE : THE FOLLOWING IS A FANBASED PARODY. PLEASE SUPPORT THE OFFICAL RELEASE

 **"Since when have you been a FF VII fan girl?"**

 _Simple, since I was born, mutha fuckha!_

 **"Have you ever tried to break in to the FF VII cast homes?"**

 _Well I tried once. But Barret kicked my ass._

 **"Do you like getting your ass kicked by Barret?"**

 _Of course!_

 **"What do you think of Sazh?"**

 _The guy ain't gonna survive a battle... Damn you Shinra bitches!_

Now we're going to interview my most hated character of all time.

 **"Why do you think that you're a hero?"**

 _My mom tells me that I'm a hero._

 _ **"What do you think of Hope and Vanilla Ice Cream?**_ "

 _They are my sidekicks but they are gone now. They said they wanted to find Hope's mom. WTF?!?_

 **"You know that you are a hated character. What do you want to say to people that hate you?"**

 _They don't understand heroism._

 **"Before you're jobless what was your last job?"**

 _A drug dealer._

Okay now, client 3!!!!!!!

 **"From the scale of 1 to 10 how much do you love your mom?"**

 _1/10_

 **"If you sort of kind of hate her then why are you trying to prevent her to join the war?"**

 _My dad will be mad at me._

 **"Do you love Legend of Zelda?"**

 _Yes! It's the best!_

 **"Who's your least favorite person on the universe."**

 _That'll have to be Mr. Hero Guy._

Vanilla Ice Cream, it's your turn!

 **"Why are you so happy?"**

 _Spoilers_


End file.
